We were non-stop in Samoa, either helping with the organising of the Sao Fa’i, making repairs on our home, or out in the plantation and our yard working on the land.
Being on country with my family, with nature and connecting to our custodial lands gave me such a high. Such an energy force that lifted my spirit and the journey of receiving the title “Lolopō” with my cousins in ceremony gave me a deep inner peace and sense of knowing. I was really excited about coming back and getting into 2024 and Living Koko.
We have been back for a few days now and I must be honest, I am holding onto a vibration of doubt and concern. I have sat at my desk and the magnitude of what needs to be activated and our goals and dreams is making me want to run or just stare into space (or my phone!). I have caught myself judgeing my work, putting myself down and convincing myself that the plans we have come up with aren’t the way to go.
Previously I would have convinced myself that this is my intuition and that I need to change everything and match this energy, adjust my original goals and convinced myself I didn’t have this capacity.
This morning I heard myself say “oh…here you go getting in your own way again” and that’s when I really started to witness this for what it really is. Self Sabotage.
This is me scared of failing, seeing the world as black and white, winning or losing. I witnessed the harshness of my self-talk. Forgetting how much I have failed learned through my failures. I have been placing a BIG MASSIVE expectation of perfection.
…I am still in that space, I’m witnessing and processing, journaling and diving deeper into understanding my lows at this time. So as much as I feel this pressure (pressure from whom? Me!) to share about our Samoan trip I have accepted that I am still integrating it all. Seeing why the return has landed this way and doing my best not to brush it off with a “oh you’re just homesick” and push it away. Its deeper than that and is interlaced in all the learnings from Samoa, the growth spurt and also the being present in spaces that have previously contained a whirlwind of emotions and views of not being good enough.
Being back in Samoa though reminded me about our ways of being and the patience we have for each other there. Therefore I am going to work on starting my year with that same frequency. Patience. These first few months for me is about Patience. Having patience with myself and showing myself some grace.
Through our time in Samoa many people including myself would say.
“Malo le onosai. ma le faamalosi”
Which translates to a praise of someone’s patience and their endurance and strength.
So for anyone out there especially those not vibing with the “new year new me” attitude or feeling like they need more time. I say to you…
“Malo le onosai, ma le faamalosi.”
The strength is within you, just be gentle and have patience with yourself. We are human and its Ok to take things one step at a time – if anyone wants to reach out and share how their 2024 is starting out please do.
Alofa atu,
Lolopō Fipe x